Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse is a form of relationship violence that uses fear, humiliation, and control instead of physical force. It often begins subtly — a partner monitoring the victim’s messages, belittling their opinions, or isolating them from people who care about them — but over time, it can consume their sense of self. It can look like jealousy disguised as care, teasing that cuts too deep, or constant criticism that slowly wears away confidence.
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In emotionally abusive relationships, love becomes conditional — earned only through obedience or silence — and self-worth is replaced with shame and doubt. The goal is power: to dominate, to isolate, to make someone question their own reality until they no longer trust themselves.
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Over time, these behaviors distort reality — making the person experiencing them feel responsible for the abuse or unworthy of love. The goal is power: to dominate, to isolate, to make someone question their own reality until they no longer trust themselves. Emotional abuse doesn’t leave visible scars, but it deeply affects a person’s self-esteem, independence, and sense of safety in the relationship. It breaks down confidence, freedom, and identity, trapping them in a relationship where they feel small, anxious, unsafe, and alone.
Emotional abuse is present when one partner does the following to their partner(s).
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Calling them names and putting them down.
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Yelling and screaming at them.
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Intentionally embarrassing them in public.
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Preventing them from seeing or talking with friends and family.
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Telling them what to do and wear.
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Damaging the victim's property when they’re angry (throwing objects, punching walls, kicking doors, etc.)
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Threatening to commit suicide to keep their partner from breaking up with them.
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Threatening to harm them, their pet, or people they care about.
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Making them feel guilty when they don’t consent to sexual activity.
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Threatening to have their children taken away.
Tactics Used in Emotional Abuse
The practice of psychologically manipulating someone into questioning their own sanity, memory, or powers of reasoning. Creates a false narrative as a form of control.
A strategic form of ongoing oppression and terrorism used to instill fear. The abuser will use tactics, such as limiting access to money or monitoring all communication, as a controlling effort.
12 Signs of Coercive Control
1. Isolating you from your support system
A controlling partner will try to cut you off from friends and family or limit contact with them so you don’t receive the support you need.
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Here are a few ways they do this:
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Suggesting shared phone and social media accounts for convenience
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Moving you far away from your family so that it’s hard to visit them
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Fabricating lies about you to others
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Monitoring all your phone calls with your family and cutting the line off if anyone tries to intervene
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Convincing you that your family hates you and doesn’t want to talk to you
2. Monitoring your activity throughout the day
Abusers pursue coercive control by trying to make themselves ever-present in your life and make you feel like you cannot get away. They do this by checking in constantly, monitoring your whereabouts through location-sharing apps (with or without your permission), rigging up cameras in your house, or even using a two-way surveillance system to speak to you throughout the day when they are elsewhere. This violation of boundaries can sometimes extend to private areas of the house like the bathroom and bedroom, adding humiliation to a clear boundary violation.
3. Denying your freedom or autonomy
Someone exerting coercive control might try to control your freedom of movement and independence.
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Some methods include:
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Not allowing you to go to work or school
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Restricting your access to transportation
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Stalking your every move when you’re out
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Taking your phone and changing all your passwords
4. Gaslighting
“The abuser must always be right, and they will force the victim to acknowledge this,” says Estes. They’ll manipulate, lie, and gaslight to get their way and convince you that you’re wrong.
5. Name-calling and putting you down
Malicious put-downs, name-calling, and frequent criticisms are all forms of bullying behavior.
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They’re designed to make you feel unimportant and deficient, says Melissa Hamilton, PhD, a criminologist and expert in domestic abuse.
6. Limiting your access to money
Controlling finances is a way of restricting your freedom and ability to leave the relationship.
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Some ways they’ll try to exert financial control include:
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placing you on a strict budget that barely covers the essentials, such as food or clothes
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limiting your access to bank accounts.
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hiding financial resources
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preventing you from having a credit card
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rigorously monitoring what you spend
7. Reinforcing traditional gender roles
Regardless of the type of relationship you have, your partner may try to make a distinction between who functions as the man and the woman in the relationship.
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They’ll attempt to justify that women are homemakers and mothers, while men are the breadwinners. Using this argument, they may coerce you into taking care of all the cleaning, cooking, and childcare.
8. Turning your kids against you
If you have children, either with the abuser or someone else, they may try to weaponize the children against you by telling them you’re a bad parent or belittling you in front of them.
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This attitude can create a rift in the relationship between you and your kids, and may make you feel powerless.
9. Controlling access of your health and body
They’ll monitor and control how much you eat, sleep, or time you spend in the bathroom.
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Your abuser may require you to count calories after every meal or adhere to a strict exercise regimen. They may also control which medications you’re allowed to take and whether you go for medical care or not.
10. Making jealous accusations
Jealously complaining about the amount of time you spend with your family and friends, both on and offline, is a way for them to phase out and minimize your contact with the outside world.
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They might also do this in an effort to make you feel guilty.
11. Regulating your sexual relationship
Abusers might make demands about the amount of times you have sex each week and the kinds of activities you perform. They may also demand to take sexual pictures or videos of you or refuse to wear a condom.
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“The victims may come to an ‘understanding’ that if they do not comply with their perpetrators’ demands or desires,” Hamilton says, “then they may face significant consequences.”
12. Threatening your children or pets
According to Hamilton, if physical, emotional, or financial threats don’t work as desired, your abuser may try to use threats against others in an attempt to control you. For example, your kids or pets may be at risk.
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This can look like:
Making violent threats against them
Threatening to call social services and say you’re neglecting or abusing your children when you aren’t
Intimidating you by threatening to make important decisions about your kids without your consent
Threatening to kidnap your children or get rid of your pet