Ten Signs of Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships

This material is adapted from One Love's 10 Signs.

Unhealthy Relationships: The Signs

While everyone does unhealthy things sometimes, we can all learn to love better by recognizing unhealthy signs and shifting to healthy behaviors. If you are seeing unhealthy signs in your relationship, it’s important to not ignore them and understand they can escalate to abuse. If you think you are in a dangerous situation, trust your gut and get help.

Intensity

When someone expresses very extreme feelings and over-the-top behavior that feels overwhelming.

Signs of intensity in a relationship:

• Rushing the pace of the relationship

• Coming on too strong, too fast

• Being obsessive about being together

• Needing to be in constant contact

Possessiveness

Becoming jealous and trying to control who their partner spends time with and what they do.

Signs of a possessive partner:

• Being upset and feeling threatened when their partner texts or hangs out with friends and family

• Wrongly accusing them of flirting or cheating

• Stalking behavior or showing up uninvited

Sabotage

When someone purposely ruins another’s reputation, achievements, or success. Sabotage includes keeping them from doing things that are important to them, talking behind their back, starting rumors, or threatening to share private information about them.

Volatility

When someone has a really strong, unpredictable reaction that makes you feel scared, confused, or irritated.

Signs you have a volatile partner:

• You feel the need to constantly walk on eggshells to avoid extreme reactions

• Your relationship feels like a roller coaster with extreme ups and downs

• They overreact to small things

• They have major mood swings

• They lose control by getting violent, yelling, or threatening you

Deflecting Responsibility

When someone repeatedly makes excuses for their unhealthy behavior. They may blame you or other people for their own actions. Often, this includes making excuses based on substance abuse, mental health issues, or past experiences (like a cheating ex or divorced parents). They may also guilt you or make you feel like things they do are your fault.

Betrayal

When someone is disloyal or acts in an intentionally dishonest way.

They may act like a different person around other people or share private information about you to others. It also includes lying, being two-faced, or cheating on you.

Manipulation

Trying to control someone else's decisions, actions, or emotions.

Manipulation is often expressed in subtle or passive-aggressive ways.

Signs of Manipulation:

• Convincing you to do things you don’t feel comfortable doing

• Ignoring /punishing you until they get their way.

• Trying to influence your feelings through emotionally-charged means.

Isolation

When someone keeps you away from friends, family, or other people in your life.

This behavior often starts slowly with someone asking you to spend more 1:1 time with them but can later escalate to demands that you don’t see certain people. If you are experiencing isolation, you may end up feeling like you’re dependent on your partner for love, money or acceptance.

Belittling

When someone does and says things to make their partner feel bad about themselves or makes fun of them in a degrading way, even if they pass it off as a joke. This includes name-calling, making rude remarks about people they’re close with, or criticizing them. Over time, this can make someone lose confidence in themselves or their abilities.

Guilting

When someone makes you feel responsible for their actions or makes you feel like it’s your job to keep them happy. They may blame you for things that are out of your control and make you feel bad for them. This includes threatening to hurt themselves or others if you don’t do as they say or stay with them. They might also pressure you to do something that you’re not comfortable with by claiming that it’s important to them or that it’ll hurt their feelings if you don’t do it.

Healthy Relationships - The Signs

A healthy relationship does not mean a “perfect” relationship, and no one is healthy 100% of the time, but the signs below are behaviors you should strive for in all of your relationships. Healthy relationships manifest themselves as healthy communication; another important part of a healthy relationship is loving yourself. Here are some characteristics and behaviors of a healthy relationship.

Comfortable Pace

The relationship moves at a speed that feels enjoyable for each person. It’s normal to want to spend a lot of time with someone when you first meet them, but it’s important that you’re both on the same page with how the relationship is moving. In a healthy relationship, you’re not rushed or pressured in a way that makes you feel overwhelmed.

Trust

Confidence that your partner won’t do anything to hurt you or ruin the relationship. In a healthy relationship, trust comes easily and you don’t have to question the other person’s intentions or whether they have your back. They respect your privacy and would never put you through a “test” to prove your loyalty.

Honesty

You can be truthful and candid without fearing how the other person will respond. In a healthy relationship, you should feel like you can share the full truth about your life and feelings with each other – you will never have to hide things. They may not like what you have to say, but will respond to disappointing news in a considerate way.

Independence

You have space to be yourself outside of the relationship. The other person should be supportive of your hobbies and your relationships with other friends, family and coworkers. The other person does not need to know or be involved in every part of your life. Having independence means being free to do you and giving your partner that same freedom.

Respect

You value one another’s beliefs and opinions, and love one another for who you are as a person. You feel comfortable setting boundaries and are confident that the other person will respect those boundaries. They cheer for you when you achieve something, support your hard work and dreams, and appreciate you.

Equality

The relationship feels balanced and everyone puts the same effort into the success of the relationship. You don’t let one person’s preferences and opinions dominate, and instead, you hear each other out and make compromises when you don’t want the same thing. You feel like your needs, wishes and interests are just as important as the other person’s. Sometimes you might put in more (money, time, emotional support) than your partner, and vice versa, but the outcome always feels equitable and even.

Kindness

You are caring and empathetic to one another, and provide comfort and support. In a healthy relationship, the other person will do things that they know will make you happy. Kindness should be a two-way street–it’s given and returned in your relationship. You show compassion for the other person and the things they care about.

Taking Responsibility

Owning your actions and words. You avoid placing blame and are able to admit when you make a mistake. You genuinely apologize when you’ve done something wrong and continually try to make positive changes to better the relationship. You can take ownership for the impact your words or behavior had, even if it wasn’t your intention.

Healthy Conflict

Openly and respectfully discussing issues and confronting disagreements non-judgmentally. Conflict is a normal and expected part of any relationship. Everyone has disagreements, and that’s OK! Healthy conflict is recognizing the root issue and addressing it respectfully before it escalates into something bigger. No one should belittle or yell during an argument.

Fun

You enjoy spending time together and you bring out the best in each other. A healthy relationship should feel easy and make you happy. You can let loose, laugh together, and be yourselves — the relationship doesn’t bring your mood down but cheers you up. No relationship is fun 100% of the time, but the good times should definitely outweigh the bad.