Understanding Domestic Violence in the LGBTQ+ Community

This information in this article was compiled by the National LGBTQ+ Center on Intimate Partner Violence with additions by Claire's Community. It serves as a survivor-defined, trauma-informed, intersectional guide for the community by the community. Readers will gain an understanding of domestic violence, learn how the LGBTQ+ community is uniquely impacted, and get resources for safety plan and get support. The goal of this guide is to empower our community with the tools we deserve to keep ourselves safe and support survivors in our community.

Trigger Warning: This (article) is packed full of useful information about domestic violence, sexual assault, and anti-LGBTQ+ bias. This can bring up emotions, memories, flashbacks of trauma or secondary trauma you have experienced as a friend or family member. You are encouraged to take breaks, engage in grounding activities, be mindful of your breathing or do whatever else you need to feel safe. 

DEFINITIONS:

Domestic Violence – A pattern of behavior in a familial or romantic relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another person.

Intimate Partner Violence – Domestic violence that occurs specifically in a sexual or romantic relationship. Anyone can be a victim/survivor of DV or IPV, regardless of age, race, gender, sexual orientation, immigration status, faith, or class. 

Cycle of Violence

Tension Building:

In this stage an abuser may start to get angry easily. The survivor may feel the need to keep the abuser calm. This is sometimes described as the “walking on eggshells” phase because the survivor may feel like an incident may happen at any time for any small reason. 

Violence: Any type of abuse that occurs (physical, sexual, emotional, etc).

Honeymoon:  An abuser may apologize for the abuse or they may promise that it will never happen again. Promises made may temporarily be met. The abuser may give gifts to the survivor or shower them with affection. The cycle starts again.

This is a tool that can be helpful to conceptualize DV. DV is not just one violent or cruel action. It is a pattern of behavior that works together to obtain or maintain power and control over another person. When we look at DV in LGBTQ+ relationships, it can be helpful to think of externalized oppression as factors outside the wheel – heterosexism, homophobia, and transphobia – that can keep someone trapped in a relationship. These can include barriers to employment, social isolation, financial barriers, housing insecurity, and more. Whereas internalized oppression – inside the wheel – is those dynamics that play out in the abusive relationship: strategies an abuser may use to emotionally and psychologically wear a survivor down and damage their self-esteem and more.

Conversely, the Equality Wheel shows the dynamics that should be present in a healthy LGBTQ+ relationship. These factors encompass the idea that relationships should be based on a foundation of love, respect, and support. What’s different about the LGBTQ+ equality wheel vs. the standard model is it includes empowerment. Empowerment means supporting one’s partner in the expression of their gender identity and connections to the community, as well as allowing them to choose when and how to come out.  It also includes a stronger focus on sexual consent, protection, and being open and understanding of HIV/STI status.

Intersections

There are many intersections within DV and the LGBTQ+ community. It is important to be mindful of those who are more vulnerable to DV and how to best support them. Below are intersections that have higher prevalence of DV. It is vital to be aware that multiple intersecting identities exist and can increase risks and barriers.

Bisexual People

Bisexual people experience higher rates of DV than lesbian, gay, or heterosexual people. This is due to the stigma, objectification, and community isolation that bisexual people face. There are intersections to be mindful as well, for example bisexual Latina women experience disproportionately high rates of DV. 

People of Color

People of color have higher rates of DV. Black, Latinx, and indigenous LGBTQ+ people are particularly vulnerable to violence. Mistrust and fear may prevent survivors of color from seeking help from law enforcement due to fear of violence, discrimination and harassment by police. Survivors' racial identity also impacts barriers that survivors face, safety planning, access to culturally competent resources, and more.

Undocumented People

Abusers may use someone’s documentation status against them and threaten to call the police to get them deported. This is unfortunately a common tactic, so it is important for undocumented survivors to know their rights to protective orders, legal separation or divorce, and the potential for a U-VISA.

Navigating Systems

• Seek out domestic violence organizations and shelters. There is a misconception that DV organizations are only for cis women, but it is actually a law that federally funded DV organizations provide support services & shelter to everyone regardless of gender identity. 

• Everyone has a right to report domestic violence to police, regardless of their identity. It may help to bring a support person with you to make a report, which could be a domestic violence advocate. If a police officer is refusing to take a report, you have a right to file a complaint for misconduct. 

• Everyone has the right to file a restraining order. Restraining orders are legally binding documents that require someone to stay away from you, your home, your school, and/or your place of work. 

Support Options

When seeking support there are many avenues that can be beneficial. 

• Therapy- finding the right therapist that is trauma informed & trans- knowledgeable can be difficult. Exploring what your focus areas/priorities are can help. 

• Body & energy work- Reiki, massage, acupuncture Alternative therapies- guided imagery, breathwork 

• Self help- reading books on healing, journaling, art 

• Peer to peer- one on one discussions or support groups 

• Movement- yoga, Pilates, self- defense, aerobics, etc. 

• Medication- must be prescribed by a doctor but can help reduce symptoms of depression, anxiety, etc. 

Signs of Un/Healthy Relationships

Red Flags

• Your partner(s) threaten to out your gender identity, sexual orientation, HIV or immigration status to friends, family or at work 

• Your partner(s) refuse to recognize your name, pronoun, identity, or preferred language 

• Your partner(s) control your money or spending freedom 

• Your partner(s) ridicule you for how your body looks or force you to change your appearance

•  Your partner(s) say that no one will ever love you because of your sexual or gender identity 

• Your partner(s) restrict access to medicine or gender affirming care

•  Your partner(s) threaten to take away or hurt your child(ren) or pet(s)

Green Flags

•  You feel comfortable talking about your feelings, sexual boundaries, and finances

•  Your partner(s) respects you, your independence, & your choices

•  Your gender identity, gender expression, and sexuality are supported by your partner(s)

•  You are comfortable spending time with friends or family with or without your partner(s) 

•  Your boundaries are respected 

•  You can communicate through difficult times without fear

•  Your partner(s) support your goals and do what they can to help you achieve them. 

Safety Planning

What Is Safety Planning?

Safety planning is about brainstorming ways to stay safe that may also help reduce the risk of future harm. It can include planning for a future crisis, considering your options, and making decisions about your next steps. There is no one-size-fits- all approach to safety planning.

Safety Planning Strategies

• It is vital to keep your safety plan a secret from your abusive partner because leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship 

• Come up with reasons to leave the house regularly 

• Talk to friends, family, and neighbors about the situation and develop strategies for support 

• Learn about available resources and shelters 

• When you sense there is going to be an argument, try to go to a place where other people might hear you arguing, or a place where there is less risk of injury 

• Keep your address and phone number confidential 

• Consider a restraining order, and keep the restraining order on you and provide it to workplace, childcare, school, etc. 

• Keep phone fully charged with safe numbers programmed in 

• Protect digital safety 

• Pack a to-go bag with clothes, medication, identification documents, important phone numbers, medical records, any objects with sentimental attachment 

Important Note: Building a strong community is an important piece of safety planning. Having folks in your community that you can discuss sexual and romantic relationships with is valuable to learn the social do’s and don’ts of navigating relationships. Having a culture of open communication with your chosen family can be a powerful protection from harmful situations.

If you need to make a safety plan, use myplanapp.org. MyPlan is anonymous and has a plethora of built-in security features that will keep you safe even if your abusive partner has access to your phone.

Do's and Don'ts for LGBTQIA+ Allies

DON'T

• Try to convince LGBTQIA+ people that you are on their side.

• Confuse gender identity with sexual orientation

• Ask queer/trans people to educate you

• Ask trans people invasive questions: about their surgery/hormone status, genitals, how they have sex, etc. It’s rude, objectifying, and none of your business.

• Let transphobia/cissexism slide

• Out queer people without their consent in any context

• Tell queer people what is appropriate to their gender identity/sexual orientation

DO

• Show them that you are on their side by showing up and speaking out.

• Understand that gender and orientation are nuanced and specific to the individual. 

• Do your own research and check your sources.

• Understand that hormones and surgery are not the only way to transition and access to them is based on economic class. Some trans people don’t consider medical transition necessary - both are valid.

• Confront homophobia, transphobia etc.  as you would all other forms of oppression and learn to be an active bystander/ upstander.

• Allow them to come out at their own pace on their own terms. 

• Understand that orientation and identity exist on a spectrum. There is no right or wrong way to be queer. 

Remember: The best way to be an ally is simply by showing up and speaking out.

In Conclusion

Important Takeaways:

• Support, believe, and listen to survivors Recognize that leaving is not always an option in the moment and can be unsafe 

• Empower survivors to explore what safety looks like for them 

• Recognize non-physical types of DV as serious

• Understand what a LGBTQ+ ally should and should not do.

National Resources

• The Anti-Violence Project has a 24-hour English & Spanish hotline to call for free and confidential support: 212-714-1141 FORGE offers numerous resources for transgender survivors: forge-forward.org 

• In Our Own Voices is a resource for LGBTQ+ BIPOC survivors: ioov.org 

• The National DV Hotline is not LGBTQ+ specific but has a 24/7 text and phone crisis hotline for survivors: text START to 88788 or call 1-800-799-7233

• The Trevor Project is a leading suicide prevention and crisis intervention resource for LGBTQ+ young people. www.thetrevorproject.org

• GLAAD has an extensive and comprehensive list of resources. glaad.org/resourcelist

• The Human Rights Center has direct and online support for LGBTQ youth. www.hrc.org/resources/direct-online-and-phone-support-services-for-lgbtq-youth

See More Crisis Resources Here