Prevention Saves Lives: Sofie's Story

Sofie*, 28, has been involved in domestic and relationship violence prevention for over two years. She is deeply passionate about prevention and shared her experience with coercive control - and a friend's comment that may have saved her life.

I was in a relationship that was heading down a path of coercive control and abuse when I was 18. My parents had raised me to have high self-worth and I was confident in every decision I made, as many 18-year-olds are. I was convinced I would marry this man.

My partner was loving and affectionate, and we had a lot of fun together, but the relationship came with many caveats. He frequently showered me with gifts and affection only to turn the tables and use his "kindness" as leverage when I wouldn't do what I wanted. He was very jealous of anyone I was spending time with and NEVER wanted me to go out with my friends, lest I flirt with other people or not return home when I said I would. I developed the habit of leaving the house in one outfit, changing into my "going out clothes" in the car and then changing back before arriving home. I thought this was normal. I was just protecting his feelings and avoiding a fight.

My best friend was dropping me off at his house when she saw me do this for the first time and was gobsmacked. I laughed it off, and she doubled down. "No, seriously, this is messed up and controlling. Watch out because he is only going to get worse."

She was right. As much as I didn't believe it was a bad sign at the time, more and more red flags started to pop up. He started arguments that escalated into screaming matches when I wanted to do anything, he pressured me to have sex when I didn't want to, and he frequently accused me of cheating on him. When I left him, he punched a hole in the wall at my parent's house and stalked me for weeks after. I didn't hear anything about him for years until his sister approached me when I was out one night and told me that he was going to jail for trying to kill his girlfriend.

I frequently wonder where I would be if my friend hadn't pointed out his controlling behavior that night all those years ago. I didn't take action then, but that one comment made me pay attention to the escalating signs of coercive control and gave me justification to get out after six months. I was lucky to have friends who were informed and cared enough to bring up uncomfortable topics. It's hard to look back and remember how smitten I was and how much of a shock it was to me to learn that my ex's behavior was controlling, unhealthy, and could have meant a threat to my life had I stayed with him.

There is a misconception that prevention work is not as important as interventive services, and this misconception drastically affects the amount of state and federal funding for prevention services. Primary prevention is the only way we can hope to stop abuse before it starts and ensure that we are working towards safe, protective communities where no one is the victim or perpetrator of relationship violence.

Browse our website for more resources, information, and ways to get involved in relationship violence prevention. You don't have to spend a lot of time to make a big impact in the lives of people you love.