What Does Coercive Control Look Like?
- Liza G
- 17 minutes ago
- 4 min read
Coercive control refers to any pattern of behavior an abuser uses to dominate their partner and limit their freedom and confidence in themselves.

Because of the subtle nature of coercive control, it's hard to spot. Abusers often isolate their victims and wrap them into their reality, leaving them with no one on the outside to observe and call out the abusive behavior.
Here are some ways that coercive control can show up in relationships, along with examples from real relationship violence survivors. Source
Undermining Your Confidence
“He would scream in my face until I couldn’t argue back anymore. Then, if I made a minor mistake, like folding a towel the ‘wrong’ way, he’d explode, calling me an awful person. No apology was ever good enough for him, and I eventually stopped standing up for myself.”
Mocking Your Interests
“It was easier to let him watch whatever he wanted. If I tried to watch my shows, he’d make fun of them or talk over them. Over time, I just gave in to avoid the conflict.”
Controlling Your Appearance
"He told me how to wear my hair and that I shouldn’t wear short clothes because ‘other people shouldn’t see my body.’ It got to the point where I couldn’t even go out with friends without him making a comment."
Emotional Blackmail
“Whenever I needed something or wanted to discuss an issue in our relationship, he’d threaten to kill himself. It became impossible to communicate, and I always ended up feeling like it was my fault.”
Accusations and Surveillance
"Despite working from home and being with him almost all the time, he would constantly accuse me of cheating. I’d show him my phone, but he’d refuse to look. He wanted to believe I was guilty, regardless of the truth.”
Gaslighting Your Reality
“He claimed all his actions were out of concern for my well-being, but it felt like he was controlling every aspect of my life. I began to lose my sense of reality, unsure if I was the problem or if he was manipulating me.”
Subtle Emotional Digs
”Small comments that slowly chipped away at my self-esteem. These ‘jokes’ weren’t funny—they were domestic abuse, disguised as humor.”
Silent Surrender
“He rarely told me outright, ‘You’re not allowed to do this,’ but the shaming, fights, and depressive episodes (from him) that followed made doing anything hardly worth it. I stifled myself dramatically just to avoid conflict. I stopped seeing friends and family, stopped wearing nail polish, stopped running, stopped doing hobbies that ‘didn’t make money,’ stopped dressing up, stopped washing my hair regularly, and stopped baking. All these simple things that most people take for granted — I avoided them just to escape his inevitable reaction.”
Sex and Financial Control
“He used sex as a weapon, withholding it when he was angry or using it to punish me. On top of that, he controlled all the finances, leaving me with no options.”
Public Shaming
“In front of family and friends, he’d belittle me, call me a servant, and criticize my cooking. It was constant humiliation, but I felt trapped because I had no escape.”
No Right Choice
“I had a pair of jeans that fit me perfectly and were similar to what other moms wore. But every time I put them on, my husband called me a ‘whore’ and worse. I eventually threw them away, but when he found them, he made a big deal about taking them back, only for the cycle to repeat when I wore them again. It was a constant pattern of shame and manipulation.”
Discouraging Your Independence
“He discouraged me from applying for jobs, claiming he didn’t want me working with other men. He even controlled my finances, even though I paid most of the bills.”
Explosive Reactions
“I was nursing my baby on the couch when my partner got up from bed and started screaming at me because I hadn’t cleared my cereal bowl from the table. He didn’t seem to understand that my baby was the priority at that moment, not tidying up.”
Invasion of Privacy
“I wasn’t allowed to lock the bathroom door or take time to myself without him barging in, questioning why I needed privacy. If I ever locked the door, he’d make a big scene, saying it was strange or suspicious. He would even find tools to unlock it from the outside, claiming he had to use the bathroom, even though there were other toilets in the house. I wasn’t allowed any peace, and he always found a way to disrupt even my quiet moments.”
Jealousy About Friends
"I was told in the very beginning that I should not have male friends. He would get mad if I ran into old high school male friends or mentioned a male friend I had known for years. One time, he even moved my chair away from a guy I was sitting next to during a game night with friends because he said I was too close.”
Comments